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New Journey…

I didn’t know I had followers.  I’m a dunce for not figuring out the mechanics of wordpress.  Thank you

This was my first blog,  started as a journal of our pain, it was a record of the abuse. I used it to help myself draw a picture of the pattern of abuse because that seemed to be the only way to make someone understand and see what was not ordinary or normal.  It’s not been touched for a while now. That’s a good thing.

I have a second blog, started a few months after this – more for my personal feelings and thoughts of those trying times when I had to find my Courage. We lived with a Volcano, and there was much Inner Struggle (post Aug 09). As I read back, I think – thank God it is over. 

Come visit me at http://mothersalways.blogspot.com   (A Mother Always – Being Me)

God Bless

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17 Mar 2013:

True to form, he’s interfering with the order . The boys have school supp lessons and that is tough enough without having to lug books bags  uniforms to and fro. He is demanding they stay with him  That’s creating the same kind tension. I have told the boys I expect them back on Sunday night but he got them to come back to the house on Sunday morning while I was at church to take their uniforms and more stuff.

He is putting them in the middle and foring them to choose when they should not. He has no courtesy to ask and like a coward plays games with this two sons.

I don’t blame them for doing what they think is necessary for survival. My only consolation is that they can be honest with me and cannot be so with Monster Dad. Fear never goes away when the source is near.

The weekend of the 9 Feb is mine with the kids, he had his weekend the week before.

But trouble began on Thursday (7Feb) when he told the boys that he was entitled to 2 days since CNY was made up of 3 days starting on 10 Feb.  His instruction to the boys was either he would come pick them up on Saturday evening and return Mon evening or pick up on Sunday evening to return on Tuesday evening. I thought this could not be right. CNY is made of 2 days of public holiday and we are to alternate. This year as the first of CNY falls on a Sunday, a weekday as usual is given in lieu, which means that my weekend is in tact. I checked with the lawyer and she concurred that he is entitled to 1 day and me the other.

The problem however was he tried to talk the boys into believing him, and making me out to be a liar. In spite of assuring them I had checked with the lawyer and that I was not wrong, the boys were still confused by their father, who firstly claimed he checked with his lawyer and then later tried to convince them that it was their choice to choose and then sometime after this claims to have sent me a letter but that I would of course say I did not receive it.  Major  screwing with their young minds. They did not know who to believe. And so I had to exercise my rights and took that decision about not obliging their father, off their shoulders by restricting them to going with their father until Monday evening.

I kept to my assertions that their father had not communicated any to his lawyer (if he had one for these matters), there was no letter and it was my weekend. All through Thursday Friday and Saturday the boys were tensed over expecting phone calls  from their father during which he continuously tried to get them to commit to seeing him according to his plan . It was a  nightmare with scenarios of him coming to drag them off,  of him confronting them. I instructed them to  switch off their phones for their own peace of mind and nerves and I cut the mainline. The boys kept saying he doesn’t want to hear them when they repeat my instructions. But it was there( a dark spectre) hanging in the background and spoiling the time that we had together. They could not concentrate and do much school work because of this nagging worry. Finally Sunday ,since he used my daughter’s line to get a message through for them to call him,  I coaxed my son to talk to him and to get him to back off (diplomatically) as the situation was causing tension.  My ex finally did and gave in I suspect by the mere sorrow in son’s voice and his tears which were falling.

On Monday, my older son decided he would like to leave earlier to see his father. I let him. My youngest did not want to see him earlier and so he left to go to his father’s place around noon.

7/9-9/9 Picked them up about 5.45 and separately returned them.
Kid 3 at 6.20 and kid 2 at 8.20pm.
I had told them their father should bring them back by 6pm and so we they would be able to make dinner with the family.
He had to make things difficult for the boys and make them choose. Kid 3 was devasated the night before torn between speaking honestly and not leaving his brother alone with his father.

I told them do what made them comfortable, I would pick them whatever them they returned. the responsibility and onus was on their father not them.

He’s still cursing my parents in front of the kids. wish I could do more, what can I do?

Testing ground

Moved out and on.
Thurs 6 Sep: it’s not his time to spend with them but it’s the 1 week hols, and if they want to sure I let them go and asked that they find out what time they would be back. All I got was nonsense in return and no reply,
Does not know how to be civil , it’s not news.

4- 7.45pm – took them to buy furnishing, kid3 got cuffed on the head at least twice for his scrape near the elbow. Got to keep track, his bad habits are not far.

So to the kids I say, I have to set boundaries I am responsible. If their father has no respect for the order, then I cannot be lax. They understand.

The coming weekend is his, let’s see if he keeps to his end. The boys can express their wish too, let’s see what happens.

Irritating

Like a gnat or housefly that’s what I’ve reduced him to.
This Sunday he took the boys out and brought them home at 9.30pm. It’s a school night, does he not know that?

Last week he wrote an offensive letter(aggressive, attacking)  to my lawyer, in no simple terms that she does not know what she is saying. I got mad for her and she simply told me to flick it off.
We have been nothing by courteous, but He does not know what it is to be civil.
Why would I want my kids to learn from him, when he does not know basic civility.
What comes through in his note,is his low self esteem.

Good behaviour ?

30 June, This weekend is supposedly is time with the boys. On Friday night after they return from a movie close to 11, he sits down with them to a game? Does he not realise we’re back to school and the boys should not be in that holiday frame of mind?  Today Saturday he takes them out after lunch around 3.30 to go bowling and then out for dinner, and here I am concerned that the boys will not have enough time for homework. Last weekend to recover his lost time I suppose (forgetting that it is my time of the holiday to take charge of them) he took them out on Saturday, after lunch and came back late and played more games into the later part of the night. Is this his attempt to have time with his boys?

He intimates that I took his time away from the boys and that is an example of my bad behaviour ? I would like to throw back to him;
“How is your behaviour exemplary? You have ruined harmony and created a broken family and left us to patch things up within us. You have no concept of the meaning of father nor husband – since you have torn these out yourself.
What have they learnt from you, vulgar words to yell at the top of your voice, to beat the weaker, to use your fist, to rail at the elderly, to criticize and to bully; to break things not fix. These are your lessons to your children. They have learnt what it is to live in fear in their own home.
I am not the one to throw obstacles and create more trouble than necessary for simple requests (holding back passports, intimating I am putting them in danger etc).

Yet you took them to some undeveloped interior of Indonesia with not so much a whisper of information. There is your example of good behaviour.”